by
Donald
A. Cadogan, Ph.D.
For the ten years Jim
and Judy had been married they seemed like the ideal couple. But in
reality both were feeling a growing dissatisfaction with their marriage.
They had begun fighting about little things, such as Jim "always" coming home
late, or Judy "never" cooking what Jim liked. But the problems continued
despite their arguments and a pattern of silent brooding developed. As
time went by Judy and Jim came to believe they could not talk to each other and
slowly began to withdraw from their marriage.
Jim and Judy's plight
is not uncommon. In fact, one of the most frequently cited causes of
marital disharmony is communication failure, i.e. the inability or unwillingness
of spouses to talk to each other about their interpersonal difficulties. Many couples like Judy and Jim spend
much of their marital life attempting to deny, suppress, or overlook serious
marital dilemmas with the hope that their quandaries will go away by
themselves. The result is often a gradual loss of awareness of the
corrosive issues that divide them and, with it, a diminished ability to discuss
and resolve these crucial perplexities. But the problems remain, just
under the surface, building resentment as the years go by. For Judy and
Jim, the underlying causal agent was disappointment over their expectations in
marital responsibilities. Left unresolved, this frustration led to years
of gradually increasing, but veiled hostility. Unfortunately, resentments
like this frequently lead to the development of other difficulties such as
destructive game playing, or covert efforts to manipulate and control their
partners. These new problems are
often quite different from the original, causative issues, such as marital role
unhappiness as in Jim and Judy’s case, making the primary concerns even more
difficult to resolve. Attempts made
to discuss any of their differences had become fruitless. Jim continued to
be late no matter how Judy complained because his lateness was the symptom of a
totally different issue. And, sadly, the failure to settle this dispute
fostered poor communication patterns and created a further unwillingness to
discuss other marital difficulties.
HAPPINESS
ZONES
There are certain key
marital zones or areas basic to a relationship that can generate either marital
happiness or discontent. While it is true conflicts and arguments are part
of every close relationship to some extent, clinical evidence indicates that
problem resolution will more likely be successful if discussions are focused on
the underlying issues rather than exclusively on the pain produced by these
quandaries. And, as it turns out, the underlying troubles are usually
associated with frustration in these specific marital zones. If you can keep these key zones problem
free, you will clearly have a better chance of being happy in your
marriage.
Listed below are six
areas vital to marital happiness.
Each zone is presented with a rating scale to facilitate
discussion. Rate your partner's behavior on the scale from one to
five. A rating of one represents complete dissatisfaction or
unhappiness with your spouse's actions with regard to each area. Five
represents complete satisfaction or happiness. Remember, you
are rating your partner's behavior. You may find it helpful to complete
the inventory separately, than discuss your answers with your
spouse.
It is important to
note, however, that exploration and discussion of issues in these realms will
more effectively lead to problem resolution if couples make an effort to
understand and accept their mates' feelings and concerns with regard to these
areas, and resist any tendency to react defensively.
1. COMMUNICATION - 1
2 3 4 5 (circle one
number)
Communication is
listed first because it represents the basic tool for understanding discord in
all areas. Good communication requires a willingness to expose both
feelings and thoughts. It also requires a readiness to listen as well as
to talk. Jim and Judy's need to be heard by their partner had become so
intensified that, paradoxically, it became harder and harder for them to
listen.
There is a skill to
listening that includes a non-defensive openness to what you are hearing.
In other words, admit when you are wrong, and save your explanations until after
your spouse has completely finished speaking. You may discover that
excuses were unnecessary.
Effective listening is
also an active process in which misinterpretations are minimized. This can
be accomplished by restating or feeding back to your spouse his/her statements
in your own words. If your partner agrees with the feedback, you are
successfully communicating.
Lack of communication
can also be a problem of another sort. Part of the joy of marriage comes
from discussing life's experiences with one's spouse. Love is indirectly,
though strongly displayed in this way. And feelings of specialness usually
develop. But sensations of separateness and emptiness can also grow when
little sharing takes place. With Judy and Jim, the steady withdrawal from
each other resulted in few personal disclosures and mounting feelings of
aloneness.
2. TRUST -
1 2 3 4 5 (circle
one number)
Trust is often
considered the most important zone in marriage. It is upon this area that
much of the relationship is built. But trust is a twofold issue. It
requires a willingness to trust as well as a decision to be
trustworthy.
There are a great many
people who think it is wisest not to trust anyone, including their own
spouses. They believe they can best avoid being "taken advantage of " if
they remain wary of everyone and everything. Now obviously, some people cannot be
trusted. And it is also true that our chances of being deceived are
greatly diminished if we remain guarded and suspicious. However, this
incurs a high price, for with it we can never allow ourselves any close,
intimate relationships. And since we would be unable to relax our
suspicious vigil, we would also feel constantly on edge.
It was fortunate for
Jim and Judy that they did trust each other. When Jim would tell Judy
where he was, she would accept his statement on face value. He cherished
her trust and did not abuse it with deception.
Close relationships
require the belief that our partners will not take unfair advantage of us or
exploit us. And maintaining a close relationship requires the ability to
give our spouses the benefit of the doubt in situations where the facts are not
clear. Regrettably, when marital
trust has been violated it is not easily restored and often takes a lone time to
reinstate. But after a reasonable period of trustworthy behavior by one
spouse, the decision to trust must again be risked by the
other.
3. HOUSEHOLD
RESPONSIBILITY -
1 2 3 4 5 (circle
one number)
This is a broad area
that includes the readiness of spouses to do their fair and agreed upon share of
household chores. It also includes the acceptance and fulfillment of
negotiated marital roles.
In some marriages
there are clearly defined lines separating male from female duties. In
other relationships, marital equality is expected with frequent sharing and
interchanging of household obligations. Either style of marriage can be
satisfying as long as both partners agree.
Research has
indicated, however, that marriages can be most satisfying when marital role
patterns, or family responsibilities are complementary, rather the
symmetrical. In other words, each spouse would have separate, primary
tasks depending on individual abilities or preferences, rather than having both
perform the same duties, or interchanging roles on some scheduled basis.
This does not indicate, though, that couples should not help each other perform
their various jobs, or even take over for the other on occasion. It is important to note, however, that
although complementary roles usually work well, the feeling that each partner is
of equal importance and value in the marriage, regardless of their contribution,
must also be maintained if resentment is to be avoided.
Jim and Judy's biggest
problem was in this area. They had different concepts about what a husband
or wife should be. Each saw the other as not performing their "proper"
duties, and believed it stemmed from lack of respect or love. This
discrepancy could easily have been negotiated if Jim and Judy had known it was
the source of their discontent.
Household
responsibility also includes compatible personal and household hygienic
patterns. An individual's degree of, or desire for cleanliness is often a
fairly stable characteristic. Although some measure of change in this area
is possible through discussion, often much has to be accepted and adjusted
to.
4. SEX
AND AFFECTION -
1 2 3 4 5 (circle
one number)
Sex and affection are
actually two very different entities. But contentment with one usually
fosters, or is related to the enjoyment of the other.
Sexual pleasure in
marriage is clearly enhanced when the partner is perceived as sexually
attractive. The development of any modifiable physical or behavioral
characteristic that diminishes this desirability must be
discussed.
When affection is
lacking in a marriage it is frequently because it has become linked too closely
with sex. In other words, affection is seen exclusively as a prelude or
warm-up to sexual activity. Therefore, spouses who wish to be affectionate, but
who are not in the mood for sex may inhibit their affectional desires for fear
it will lead to a sexual encounter. However, when couples allow for free
and spontaneous affection without any necessary sexual follow-up, they take the
pressure off both areas.
5. TOGETHERNESS -
1 2 3 4 5 (circle
one number)
For many happily
married couples, their spouse is also their best friend. Thus, much of
their recreational time is spent together. They enjoy each other's company
and share many interests. However, when they have many dissimilar
recreational interests, problems can arise. For example, Jim enjoyed
fishing, but Judy did not; and she declined all invitations to join him.
Sometimes they felt guilty when he would go alone, other times angry. But
usually, they felt lonely and dissatisfied. Resentment began spreading
into other areas.
Such problems,
however, can be held to a minimum in at least two ways: First, allow some
time for the separate gratification of different interests. Second, develop new pastimes that can be
mutually enjoyed. Judy and Jim solved this dilemma by making separate
lists of their preferences, then comparing the lists for similar entries.
Since they had not discussed this issue earlier in their marriage they were
surprised to discover they had so many compatible areas.
It is also true that
we all change and grow in life as we age.
We develop new interests, attitudes and even values. Couples that do a lot together and spend
much time with each other tend to change in the same way. Thus, togetherness minimizes the
likelihood of couples growing apart over time.
There are some
couples, however, who have a great need for independence and separateness in
their marriage. Although there are a variety of valid reasons for this
need, it goes against the ideal of togetherness in marriage, and many couples
find it difficult to adapt to.
To avoid building
resentment, it is important to ascertain the degree of togetherness desired by
both, and follow this by a sincere discussion of any
differences.
6. FAMILY
AND FRIENDS -
1 2 3 4 5 (circle
one number)
Some couples are
content to limit their primary social involvements to each other. Again,
no problems need arise if both agree. However, we humans are basically
social animals, and most of us feel the need for meaningful contact with people
outside the marriage.
For many, affiliation
needs are met through involvement with the extended family, or through
friends. Unfortunately, dislike of in-laws, or of mate’s friends is a
common occurrence in marriage and can be the source of serious problems.
This is especially true when one spouse insists on frequent contact with these
"undesirable" others. In discussions of this issue, it can help to
remember that in marriage, primary loyalties belong to the marital
partner.
It is also true that
socialization needs vary widely. In some marriages there is such a great
disparity between spouses in the desire for human contact that serious
discontentment is experienced on both sides. Again, the best answer is for
partners to negotiate and, when necessary, accept their
differences.
Let's look at Jim and
Judy's relationship once again. Unfortunately, Judy and her mother-in-law
frequently clashed. Jim's mother was a strong woman who was dominant in
her own marriage. She also attempted to control Jim and Judy's
lives. Jim had become used to his mother's behavior and accepted her this
way. Judy, however, resented her intrusions and soon wanted nothing more
to do with her mother-in-law. Eventually, Jim accepted his wife's
concerns, and separated from his parental family. A difficult decision for
him, but Jim knew it was in the best interest of his
marriage.
The zones presented
here have been limited to those areas in marriage that are known to be vital to
marital happiness and, when frustrated, are common sources of hostility and
resentment. However, individual needs vary, and you certainly may find
other areas that require focus in your marriage. But if you are loving and
make an effort to understand your spouse's side of an issue, you need not fear
open discussion of any of these zones. Most of the difficulties in
marriage come not from discussing or even arguing about problems, but from
avoiding them.
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